entertainingly yours...
Dear Car and Window Wiper Blade Manufacturers
Since I’ve owned a car, I’ve also owned a pair of windshield wipers. But waaaay before that, there were pamphlets and the people who distribute them. When out and about, pamphlets are handed to you with the actual instruction of, “I’d prefer it if YOU go and throw this away, sir. I just don’t have time right now as I’m standing here handing people these little pieces of paper that I want them to throw away, sir”. I’m still able to throw my hands up and do the banana shaped forward barrel whirl around the distributor. As long as he’s not able to craftily tuck it into my shirt, I’m free to go to my next destination without having to find a trash bin. My windshield wipers have no ability to do a banana shaped whirl, nor does it have hands it can throw up, or does it? I have returned to my car where there had been an actual wad of pamphlets left under the wiper blades, a bunch of them even having fallen to the ground. There were simply too many and some, the wind helped jump ship whilst others were plucked out from where they were safely tucked away by the sheer force with which Mr. Pamphlet distributor lifted the wiper blade and deposited the new flat-headed-steph children no one wanted under its guardianship.
The absolute pinnacle of this preposterous first world problem, is when it rains. This little heap of useless information turns into a heap paper mulch. You’re ready to wheel out into the dark curtain of rain you fled from, activate your blades and this paper paste is smeared in a nice even layer all over your windshield. The real punishment however is administered when your lazy ass doesn’t properly clean it off again. I’m not sure what the ink nor this specific paper consists of, but when it dries from a wet state, it transforms into a type of super cement. Now Dear Science, here is my solution. What I suggest is a wiper blade that can strike back. Let’s call it a “Whipper blade". As soon as it senses that it is being lifted, it would swiftly whip the pamphlet distributor in the face followed by two quick sprays from windshield washer nozzle. A friendly little disclaimer announced upon touch by a congenial female voice would be a preferable accompaniment, but in no way mandatory. “This vehicle’s windshield is for shielding wind. Its wiper blades are for wiping water off this shield. If you dispense your pamphlets here, you will be administered a brisk and unpleasant hiding. Now take your pamphlets and fuck off. You have been warned. Have a mediocre day”. I know it sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen and could even be reciprocated with our well deserving victim forcefully removing your car's wiper blade. Therefore, I further suggest that after the well deserved wiper blade whipping and spray, the wiper retracts into the bonnet area. A camera mounted inside the car could record these little entertaining bouts of just deserved admonishment and upload them directly to the manufacturer’s Youtube channel. Here paid adverts could be employed in financial support of those owners who might end up in court. Not sure that any judge or jury of peers would have even a whimper of sympathy for these urban terrorists, but lets not tempt the paper monster any further.
A small sticker on the window might serve as suitable warning and deterrent advice, giving potential pamphlet distributors adequate fore warning that this wiper does serve out whippings for being used as a nestling bin for their trash.
After this system had been installed by several car manufacturers, the warning sticker should serve as an adequate deterrent, striking fear in potential pamphletters for ,not only receiving a potentially painful whipping, but also becoming the notorious daily star of the internet’s ‘whip and drizzle’ channel. It probably makes more sense for manufacturers to simply employ the system where the wiper blades simply retract from these callous hands, but where is the justice in all of that? Since this system has not yet come into existence but pamphlet distributors have been violating our cars for decades now, it only seems fair that the “whip and drizzle” system should be launched with immediate effect for all those years of having our cars serve as a tacky notice boards.
